Boomerang Effect

There is this strange occurrence that always seems to happen to me. No matter how hard I try to make sure that it doesn't, it just does. Maybe some of you out there can make me feel better by sharing that this incident has happened to you as well. Let me explain.

I try very hard to always do the right thing. You know, to follow the rules, respect others, use the golden rule, be compassionate and considerate of others' feelings and generally do the right thing. I try my darnedest to do this and for some unknown reason, it seems to quite often come back to bite me in the butt. I can't quite figure out how trying so hard to do whats right and be considerate always ends up blowing up in my face. Really... how is it that this happens.

I'm starting to think that I try too hard. Maybe if I were a more blunt and rude person who was just straight forward to the point of inconsiderate that this "boomerang effect" wouldn't happen to me. I don't know. I guess its just a fact of life. It is who I am and the people out there that really know me will understand because they know that in my heart I was thinking of them and their feelings and trying to do what was right. And those that don't, I'm sorry. The fact of the matter is that there will always be people out there that are the "Pot stirrers". They like to get things started and cause problems for people. I choose not to fall into their trap, or play their game and I just hope and pray that those that I call friends can see this and make this choice as well.

An interesting thing though, there is actually a definition for "boomerang effect" and it's funny how well it actually connects to my situations.
See what Wikipedia said:

In social psychology, the boomerang effect is "the theory of psychological reactance (that people act to protect their sense of freedom) is supported by experiments showing that attempts to restrict a person's freedom often produce an anticonformity "boomerang effect" (Brehm, S., & Brehm, J.W. (1981). In social marketing, the boomerang effect occurs as a result of attempted attitude change. If someone makes a strong attempt to change a prospect's attitude toward a subject, the prospect will counter with an equally strong response, even if prior to the confrontation, the prospect held a weak attitude toward the subject.

Refocused and Centered....

Ok, so I guess it took a small melt down and a little pity party to get things back in order for me. Jason and I talked, I cried, and after sleeping on it, I guess I'm feeling better. The bottom line is, I can't go on living my life the way I have been feeling and, the truth is, no one can change this but me. Yeah, shitty stuff has happened to me in my life and it's not fair, but I can't just be sad and mopey for the rest of my life. That's just not me, and I'm tired of not being me.

So, I'm not in control of my fertility. No matter what I choose to do, if a baby is not in the cards for me, then it isn't going to happen. This doesn't mean that I will quite trying, hoping, and praying for it, it just means that I need to stop letting it control my life. I do have control over my reactions and feelings and I need to pull it together and get back to enjoying all the blessings that I do have in my life instead of dwelling on the one large thing that I don't. I know that this will be an incredible hard feat for me, but I'm going to try darn hard.

Obviously you can tell that my news from the fertility clinic was less than good. I have no more answers than when I started 3 years ago, and it is disheartening to know that there is no reason or diagnosis for the problem (whatever the problem is... we don't even know that). I guess we do have a diagnosis, "unexplained infertility". Whatever the heck that means. So anyway, there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to get pregnant, I'm just not. I guess this is good because maybe one of these months my body will just decide to cooperate and it might happen. But on the other hand, I feel so helpless. All my life I have been able to fight to work to achieve my dreams and goals. It is just so defeating to feel that no matter what you do, you cannot make it happen.

The Infertility Doctor whom I was referred to was excellent and so compassionate. I feel like he truly cares and was dedicated me as his patient. Despite his kindness, his news really hit me like a ton of bricks. The last thing I wanted to hear was IVF. I thought that maybe there were some other medicines or procedures or tests that could be done to track down a reason and fix it. I really didn't expect him to say that he is "not overly optimistic about a pregnancy occurring with strictly medication at this point". I guess I kind of knew this in my mind, I've been on the max does of Clomid for 5 months now, and it typically works within 3 if it's going to work, But I just really wanted there to be other options. Despite the money that it costs to have In Vitro (no covered by insurance), I'm not sure I'm ready for another highly invasive procedure.

Then I have all these other thoughts in my mind... I do believe that God has a plan (although I don't like it right now), I believe that my best interest is at heart and maybe I need to stop fighting against it. I'm not in control and the thought comes to mind about what might happen if I push too hard. Will I have more medical problems? Will I have a baby with a birth defect or special needs? When do you say enough human intervention? When do you let go? This question is especially hard when it is something that you want to badly. I just struggle with all these thoughts.

But back to the refocused and centered part. Jason and I have talked and we will not venture into the world of In Vitro at this point in our life. We will keep the faith and hold tight to each other and pray that God will take care of us. I am going to finish up with a 6th cycle of clomid (just because i have it and who knows, it did work 2 years ago) and talk about injections, but In Vitro is not something we are ready to jump into at this point. So I am packing away my monitor, ovulation strips, thermometer and fertilityfriend.com subscription, and refocusing. Putting time into our home and land. Loving my job as always and working hard to be good at it. Taking time to enjoy my wonderful husband and all of our family and friends. And most of all, just getting back to me!

%#*@ Life...

Boy do I sure feel like someone really just wants me to quite! I try like heck to stay positive and look at the bright side. I deal with all the shit that happens to me, and just when I think it's going to be ok, I'm going to get through it, then some other bull sh*t is thrown at me. I'm just so sick of it all! Life really is NOT fair and I just want to quite! I'm so done with all of it. I feel completely helpless and totally out of control... I hate it! For real, you can only beat someone down so much, come on, cut me some slack for goodness sake! All I ever try to do is be kind, compassionate and devote my life to helping others! Could I please just get a break from all of the negative crap for once.


P.S. Don't worry... I just needed to vent.

Nervous...

I know I haven't shared much lately about my issues, but I guess I'm just still trying to take everything in. Last week I went back to visit my Baby Doctor, (who I absolutely LOVE). He specializes in endometriosis and pregnancy. (So I was super excited that he would be able to help me). Well... I've been on clomid for 5 cycles now, and things are not working. Not only are they not working, they are getting worse. I was really hopeful that since it worked 2 years ago, it would work again, but that was not the case. Plus, you can only do 6 cycles of it at once then you have to give your ovaries a break (it can cause infertility indefinite if you over stimulate them). While there he explains to me (which I've read over and over again and was aware of which is why i scheduled an appointment with him in the first place) that typically if clomid is going to work, it will work with in the first 2 cycles. After that the percentage of pregnancy drops to some single digit number. So pretty much, it's not working for me.

I'm not so shocked to hear all of this, but for some reason the next part really scared the heck out of me. He explains to me that it is time for him to referred me to the infertility clinic. I just don't like those words. I had always thought that I was getting fertility help, not INfertility help. So I'm infertile? I don't' know, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have always thought that thing would be just fine and that I just needed to be extra, extra patient for some reason (like 4 years and 3 months isn't enough). After hearing this, I just felt so scared and hurt. I felt like he was ditching me or something. I know he's not, and I totally respect him for not wasting anymore of my time (like many other doctors did and almost cost me my ability to use the toilet like a normal person), but it just brought about so many thoughts.

So of course, anyone who knows me know that the first thing I did once I got home was research the clinic and doctor to whom he referred me. That was probably the wrong thing to do. Of course the whole page pretty much centers on In Vitro Fertilization and all these extremely invasive procedures. I guess I just never saw myself as being that severe. Do I really need that much help? Then, to make things worse, they have a small tab on the website about success rates. "Oh good I thought", I can see how wonderful they do. I was less than impressed to find out that only 63% of their patients actually get pregnant. Holy crap that is not what I wanted to see. I guess in my mind I was just thinking it would be, you know, in the 90's or something. I know myself well enough to know that percentages have never been on my side. It's been the story of my life. For some reason, it seems like the smaller chance there is for things to go my way, the more likely it is that it won't. And, as I said before... am I really that severe?

Until now, I had always felt very sure that I would eventually get pregnant with only a little bit of help, and carry a healthy baby. Now I'm thinking, What if I am one of the small percent of women who just can't have children. No explanation, it just isn't going to happen. My diagnosis post surgery was "unexplained infertility". Nice huh? They don't even know why I can't get pregnant or carry. Yes, I had a lot of unusual endometriosis that cause a world of trouble in my colon and rectum area, but my reproductive organs were all clean, not one spot. So, they just are unsure as to what the heck my body is doing. I know that things always happen for a reason, and always work out they way they were meant to in the end, but it's so hard to remember that when you want something so badly that you would rather not live than not have it.

So, needless to say, I'm scared to death. My appointment is tomorrow and I have no idea what to expect. I don't know what they will want me to try next, or if I'll even be able to go ahead with it. I struggle with so much of this in my heart and it's hard to know what to do. My heart wants something so badly, but something in my head is telling me that I needed to think about when enough is enough. I just am not there yet. I'm sure that soon it will become a financial issue and I won't really have to make a decision anyway... it will be made for me.

A Plan...

As you may know, our 5-year anniversary is quickly approaching. (I can't believe it's been 5 years already!) We have been tossing around ideas on a get-a-way for quite sometime, and other things always come up. Either we are waiting for lines on a pink stick, or have doctor appointments or whatever. Anyways, we decided enough was enough. Less thinking and more doing, and I guess that's just the excuse we needed to push us over the edge.

So, on May 7th we will fly to Vegas for a 2nd Honeymoon in celebration of a fabulous 5 years together. I'm so super excited. This trip has really brightened my spirit and given my mind a much needed new topic of obsession. We debated about going to Hawaii or some other tropical oasis, but we wanted to keep this trip shorter so that we can take another vacation later this summer. AND, the idea of returning to the spot where we celebrated our first week as a married couple really just makes my heart jump.

We are going to stay at a different hotel, and see a few different shows (can you believe that all the shows we saw last time are STILL there!) I'm sure they are a bit different, but we are going to mix it up a bit. I've booked the flight and hotel, but am researching before we purchase our show tickets. Last time we saw Blue Man Group (which I would LOVE to see again), Lance Burton, and a few other smaller comedy shows. This time we are debating between David Spade, Criss Angel, a dinner mystery show, and a hypnotist. I think we will also go to the Tournament of Kings because it is just fun! We went while in Florida and in Vegas. I just like it.

Secretly I am hoping that all that crap that everyone says is true.... you know what I'm talking about. Everyone is always saying crap like, "quite trying, it will happen", or "make a big purchase, it'll happen" or "Plan a tropical vacation where you want to enjoy a few drinks, it will happen". You know... All of THOSE comments that make me want to strangle people. Well... We bought a motorcycle 3 years ago, my dad was sure that would work.... here I am still baby-less and making payments on a motorcycle... (which I'm not complaining about, I actually really do love it just as much as Jason). The large purchase try was a bust, so I guess it's time for a vacation! (secretly crossing fingers).

A Wonderful Weekend

So, I had a great time this weekend with my sister home from Boston. It was a short trip for her, so we had to make the most of every minute. When her plane came in Friday afternoon, Jason and I along with my Mom and Dad, were there to greet her. Detroit Metro Airport is so easy to get around, there was no trouble at all! Her flight went well, and we were all ready to eat! We went to Chili's in Ann Arbor and had a great time. We had a few drinks, ate, and just talked the night away. By the time we got home that evening it was nearly midnight. Trish came home with us and we all retired to bed by 2am.
Saturday morning Trish and I got up around 8:30. We showered and headed over to my parents house to pick up my Mom and Julia. We all had apts. to get our hair done at 10:30, so there was no time to waste. All of us got color/highlights and a new cut. It was a ton of fun and we all left feeling really good. From there we headed to Red Lobster for lunch! After a wonderful lunch, we decided to make the journey to Monroe to visit the Horizon Outlet Centers there. It was sad to see that so many of the stores there had closed down, but there was plenty open to keep us shopping until around 7pm. At that point we decided to head north toward Ann Arbor to do a bit more shopping and of course eat dinner. We all decided that Cold Stone (the best ice cream place ever!) was the perfect dinner for a girls night out. We ended our shopping spree with Borders, where we spent about 2 hrs. previewing books and of course purchasing a few that made the cut! The four of us girls had an absolute blast just talking, laughing and singing in the car all day! We ended up getting home once again close to midnight.
Sunday was fun too, but sad. We got up around 9. Trish had to pack up her new purchases and put the ones that needed to be shipped aside. We then headed over to my parents house to meet my Mom and Aunt Judy. From there we went to visit my Grandma Brown at the Lenawee Medical Care Facility. Grandma was is great spirits and really enjoyed our company. She even remember who I was without anyone telling her. We stayed with her while she had lunch and then helped her in bed for her afternoon nap. At that point we left to go have some lunch of our own. Mancino's was Trish's place of choice for her last meal before the flight out. It was nice for us to get to catch up with Aunt Judy. We then headed back toward Metro to drop Trish off for her flight. You would think after all this time she' lived in Boston, and all the times we've had to drop her at the airport, it wouldn't' be so emotional.... but it always is! I just miss her so much and hope someday we will live a bit closer again. Until then, I will cherish every second that I get to spend with her and be thankful that we can all afford travel back and forth right now.

On A Positive Note

On a positive note, now that I have ranted and let some of that negative feeling go, I am so super excited because my sister comes home from Boston this weekend. I miss her so very much and am just looking forward to spending some time together. My mom and dad and Jason and I are going to pick her up at the airport tomorrow. We will hang out and have dinner together. Then, Trish and I along with my Mom and other sister Julia will be going to get our hair done on Saturday morning, and then going shopping and hanging out all day & night. I really need some fun and laughter right now and I'm sure this weekend will be full of both! I do have the most wonderful family in the world!

Why? (Beware of Rant)

I guess this question just sums up a lot of what I think about a lot of crap right now. I'm just so sick and tired of month after month, and year after year for that matter, being filled with frustration and disappointment! Why can't I just get pregnant? What in the world have I done so terrible bad that I can not be blessed with a child. I just don't understand. There are tons of people out there that are HORRIBLE parents, but yet for some reason they are blessed over and over again with wonderful children whom they throw away. I'm just sick of it all... some days i just want to move far away from everyone I ever knew and live alone. I feel so alone anyway and part of me thinks that maybe if I weren't surrounded by tons of people and children that these thoughts wouldn't consume every second of my day. Maybe for once I could let it go and come to terms with the fact that I may never have children. I could start a new life and just live! Be happy. 4 years ago I thought my life was pretty darn perfect! I have the most wonderful husband in the world who I just love more than anything. We have a nice home together with two great dogs and are blessed with great jobs that we both enjoy! Everyday I would wake up happy and just loving life. I want that back! I just feel so empty. So guilty. Jason is the most amazing man I have ever met, what if he never gets to be a dad because of me. He will be the most wonderful father, and I feel as if I am holding him back. I feel like such a failure. I can't help but think about having a baby every second of the day. I just can't let go. I'm so sick of everyone telling me the most ridiculous things that make me just want to scream! Like for example, "just quite trying" "it will happen when you least expect it", you're trying to hard", or my absolute favorite "at least you know you can get pregnant". WTF! For real. Yeah, it makes me feel a whole lot better to know that I can get pregnant... just because I loose the baby every time and can never carry it to term... oh, at least I can get pregnant. How in the heck is that supposed to make me feel better? Please, explain that to me. And, you know what, NO, you don't know how I feel. It makes me so furious when people tell me that they understand exactly how I feel... well nobody who I have every met in my life thus far knows exactly how I feel. I have never met someone who has had to endure the pain and torture that I have been put through. Yes, there are many people who have experienced much worse than I, or very similar situations, but none that I know of who have lived my exact situations and feelings. Telling me that you can relate to my situation is a much better way of putting it. And if you've ever conceived a child without even thinking about it, or without trying for over 2 months... you really don't have a clue. I'm sorry... I just am feeling so hostile and aggravated right now that I just have to let this all out! I just pray that someday I will look back at this and feel like it wasn't that bad. Hopefully I will be appreciative of the experiences that I have had to endure, and feel like they made me a better person. Just like my experience with a colostomy bag. I feel so appreciative of that experience because it gave me a great appreciation for many things in life that I took for granted. I am thankful to be looking back and feeling positive about that horrible, awful situation. Right now, it just pisses me off though.

It's A.....

It's A... Follicle

So I had another visit with my fertility Dr. yesterday. The news is good. The clomid(ClomiPHENE) seems to be working at this dose. Last month I was on a lower dose and although no ovulation was detected, I did have a follicle that was around 15cm in diameter. The ultrasound from yesterday found that I have another follicle this cycle and it is actually a healthy size to release an egg... 20.28cm! I'm trying hard not to get my hopes up, and I'm scared to death about all the "what if's", but I am so excited that possibly after 4 years of trying to conceive it may actually happen!

New Cut & Color...

I've never dyed my hair before. Hard to believe, I know, but I've only ever highlighted it. So when Jamie, Viv and Jenny asked me come along, I was really excited. I've been wanted to go darker for quite sometime and decided that it was time for a change. I found something I liked in a magazine, but as it turns out, the hair stylist had something different in mind.

I'm not sure yet if I like it or not, and neither is my husband. He says it's "different". Well... it's just hair so it really doesn't matter. The real test will be if I can actually do it how the stylist did it.

It is really dark reddish brown underneath that fades into low lights into my natural blond colored hair. I really do love the color. The cut is what I'm having difficulty with.... I have bangs. Not bangs like I had in elementary and middle school, but sweeping bangs that go to the side. It's weird. I'm not quite sure a out it yet. She put shorter layers in, which I've had before, but when you put all this "different" together, it is quite shocking.

It's only hair, so if I decide I really don't like it, there is good news... it will grow out and I can always dye it again. One really cool thing is that my hair actually looks healthier after dying it. Strange huh? The stylist said that it's because you are putting pigment in rather than stripping it out when you highlight it. Anyway, here's a pic or two so you can judge for your self.

Fertility Stuff...

Ok, so most of you know all the struggles that I've been though for the past 4 years and I guess it's time for an update. It is something that's always on my mind, but I know that if i blogged about this awful experience I'm having EVERYDAY, none of you would ever want to read my blog, so I try to refrain from this negative stuff too much. Anyway, back in September Jason and I were given the go ahead once again. The Doctor cleared me from my surgery and told us we could try again. We talked about meds and he really wanted us to just give my body time to readjust chemically before jumping onto that boat.

I was so hopeful that this time I might actually conceive on my own without meds. Well, months of charting, tracking, testing, and hoping went by, but no such luck. I did find that i was ovulating now, which was a glimmer of light and hope. Prior to my surgery, I did NOT ovulate. The problem is that it is happening so late in my cycle. I'm not a doctor, so i waited.

Unfortunately last month I miscarried in the very early stages of a pregnancy and I started to doing some research and making some phone calls again. I found some information talking about when ovulation needs to occur in order to have a long enough time for a fertilized egg to implant. Looking at my charts I realized that I'm not ovulating until like day 23! This leaves me with a luteal phase of only 5 days or so, which just is not long enough! So, no matter how hard we try, this just isn't going to produce a healthy baby.

I scheduled another appointment with my Doctor, and he agreed... back on meds I go. So, I'm hopeful once again that maybe I actually will get to have a baby sometime soon. Now I just have to wait for my cycle to readjust its self. Any of you that has every had a miscarriage knows that it can take a few months to get things straightened back out again. Many of us women do not typically hope for our cycles to start, but I'm praying it will soon!

So, I'm very hopeful, but very scared. I do believe that God will bless us with a baby when the time is right, but I'm just so scared of another loss. I'm still so torn up about my first miscarriage. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I dream about what life would be like. What my baby would look like and how they would be over 5 months old now! It is just so painful. Words just cant express it. My surgeries and recoveries came with physical pain that at times made me wish for death, this is nothing compared to the emotional pain I feel from the loss of my baby. So, I'm scared and I worry!

Introducing....

So, back in October I posted pictures of shower invites and then just sort of dropped off the face of the earth. No explanation needed if you know me at all, but anyway. I need to introduce you to a very precious Little Girl!

Little Princess Lena was born on the very early morning of November 12, 2008. Her mom and dad (Jamie & Jairo (sorry if I spelled this wrong)) are very proud of their beautiful little girl and I was very honored that they would invite me to be part of their little miracle. It was the single most amazing and beautiful thing that I have witnessed thus far in my lifetime!

So, since I've been slacking so much, I now will post a few pictures that are from birth to 6 weeks! Time sure goes by fast in baby years! (I'm sure all you moms out there will agree!)

Self Censored...

I know it's been forever, and I have so much to say. For the first time ever I'm feeling a little bit sheepish about blogging all my feelings. I've never really censored myself, but recently I'm having a hard time and holding more in. There is just so much that I have and am going through that its really hard for me to let it out. Especially when I run the risk of blurting something out that, although may be extremely true, may also hurt others. And, as my mother always said, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Don't worry... I'll still be blabbing about everything that's physically going on with me, Just may not share the crazy thoughts from time to time :)

Invites...

So, as many of you know, my very best friend is expecting a beautiful baby girl in November. I have the pleasure of helping her mom throw a shower and I'm super excited about it. I have recently really been into using my scrapbooking skills to make my own cards. Well... invites are right up that alley too. I made my own wedding invites, so I was really excited about the possible opportunity to make baby shower invites too.

Jamie and her mom agreed to let me have the job, and they turned out cute if I do say so myself... and I do! I had so much fun putting them together. Of course they all had there own personality with different types of paper and glitter, but the general outline was the same. Here is a picture of my work to share.

My Excuse

Has your mother ever told you, "if you can't say something nice, then you shouldn't say anything at all"? Well... this is my excuse for not blogging the past few weeks. My last blog was about my job which is great, but honestly besides that and my husband, I don't have much nice to say!

My stupid body just won't cooperate with me. I hate it. I've tried so hard to stay positive and relax, but I've gotten to the point that I just can't stand it. Darn it, I need to be negative for a minute here. I'm so sick and tired of spending my life in the bathroom on the toilet! I'm tired of feeling crampy and bloated all the time. I'm tired of the constant urge to go with no avail! I'M JUST SICK OF IT!!!

I just want to be back to myself again. I have good days, but you have no idea how horrible my bad days are. I feel so awful and out of control. It is so embarrassing to have to run to the bathroom every minute or to go and then stand up and just as you are buttoning your pants, you have to whip them down as fast as you can. It is awful. I never thought I would say this but sometimes I think my life would be better with my bag back. I know this is not true. I haven't yet forgotten the embarrassing bulge and noises along with the constant worry of leaks or smell. I don't want the bag back, but darn it, I want to be better... ALL BETTER... NOW!

I'm sure you have probably had the occasional bathroom mishap, but it happens to me daily and I just can't stand it anymore. I can't go anywhere without knowing exactly where the restrooms are and that I can get there quickly if needed. Just driving to a football game can be a disaster waiting to happen. We are in the middle of nowhere and I have to go... NOW. So I'm searching desperately for anything, a gas station, restaurant, port-a-potty, whatever, a dirt road has even crossed my mind recently. It is just an awful feeling and I hate what my life it right now. Everyone says, "hang in there, it will get better". Its not that I don't believe this, I think it will get better too, but it doesn't make it any easier in the mean time.

I'm sick and tired of having to be patient. Damn it, I think I've been patient enough. My whole stinking life has revolved around patience, planning, organization, responsibility, etc. Darn it, I'm sick of it. I want what I want and I want it NOW. No more waiting for my body to heal, no more waiting for the right time, no more waiting for things to take care of themselves, darn it, I'm so sick and tired of waiting I just want to scream!

Ok, well that's my venting for now. I'm working on getting back to my good old positive self. I'll post something positive tonight or tomorrow... promise!

Back to School!

Well... I'm back to school. After being off from work for 4 months, I was so ready to go back. Ready, excited, but still nervous. Nervous because I can't always control my body and how it acts. I'm confident, because I have more good days than bad, but still worried. Worried that I would be in the middle of a session with a child, and have a problem. Worried that I'd be driving and not anywhere near a restroom. Worried that my body wouldn't cooperate with me. Well, after two days, I can say my body has been well behaved. Two full days of travel, class time, home visits, meetings, etc. and I made it through. I have no doubt that there WILL be days that aren't so good, but I'm feeling much more confident that it's going to be ok. Unless you've been in this situation, it's really hard to understand what it's like. It feels unrealistic to me sometimes, but then I realize I'm really living it, and making it through ok.

Other than the nerves about my body, my job is the best!!! Who wouldn't want to work and play with little kids all day and get paid for it! It's unreal. I really am doing my dream job! I miss being in the classroom all day, but am super excited to really get into my new position. I think that once playgroups start, and I get my parents attending our classroom settings, it's going to be AWESOME! I have so many neat ideas that I want to implement for my families. It just going to be great. Super busy, and hectic at times, but great. There will be days that I will be running around like crazy from homes, to classrooms, to libraries, daycare, etc. and back again. But I'm going to do my best to make our Transition process the best it can be! Working with the kids and families is awesome, but there sure it a LOT of paperwork!

Toledo Zoo

So my very good friend Danette invited me to go to the zoo with her, her daughter and grandson. It has been FOREVER since I've been to the zoo, and I was very excited for it. I hoped and prayed to God that Monday would be a good day so that I could go.

Monday came, and God answered my prayers. I had a great day! Plus, the weather was so nice. It was a bit chilly when we got there, but turned out to be just right. The sun came out, but yet it was only like high 70's. Very nice. I had so much fun with them and was so delighted to get to spend time with them. The company was amazing!

The zoo on the other hand was a bit of a disappointment. I have been to the Toledo zoo as a child and teen and have great memories! This was NOT the zoo from my memories. They have renovated and are still renovating, and changing so much of what I loved and remembered. The Africa exhibit has a very large area for the gazelle, zebra's and giraffes to roam. This is great, except they animals all go way to the back where you can't see them at all. The only way to ensure decent view is to pay to ride the little 3 min. train ride, OR to convince the one mischievous giraffe to herd up the zebra's and push them this way (this actually happened right before we were going to walk away! See picture above).

The penguin display is nothing like I remember! There used to be a large circular area with water around it and big white stone for the penguins to climb over and lay on. Not anymore, you could hardly even see the penguins. There were hardly any animals too. Not that I want to see ton's of animal in cages, but it is a zoo. And they way they have their displays set up, it really is nice and home-like for the animals. We didn't really see any apes, only a few monkey's, two elephants. Many of the animals enclosures were not spectator friendly. Many of the children there couldn't even see through the fencing they had set up, which unfortunately encouraged them to climb! (Dangerous, parents watch your kids!). So anyway, I guess I was just sad because it is not the wonderful place I remember. Still the animals we saw were amazing and beautiful, but just a little disappointing. Anyone been to the Ft. Wayne, IN zoo... we talked about trying that zoo next.

"HOLY Highlights Batman!!!!!"

So yesterday I decided enough is enough. I have dirty dishwater blonde hair, and I need some highlights to brighten in up. This used to be a normal activity for me, but when I think about it, I haven't had highlights in OVER a year. I had become used to my dull blonde hair color so much that I ignored it. Enough of that.

I call my normal hair salon, and they are booked all day. Not wanting to wait, I think about it. I remember that my friend Lacey always goes to Outer Limits in Hillsdale. She says they are good and always looks great, so I figure, "why not". They have an appointment available, but I need to leave my house NOW to get there on time. No time to think or ask questions, I grab my purse and Go!

So I get there and meet my stylist. She is very nice. I tell her I'm desperate for some highlights because I'm sick and tired of looking so drab. She asks, "so you want all over highlights". Yes, that sounds good. Ok, yes I wanted them all over, but the result left me feeling like my hair was simply died bleach blonde... there isn't much of my natural hair color left. It really isn't that bad when I'm in the salon, but once I step out into the natural sunlight, I realize just how dramatic it is! So... you can see the result from the above picture. (Please ignore my stupid expression, I wasn't quite ready... lol)

Oh, I still will be going to Outer Limits. The girls there were nice and fun! I just need to be more specific about my wants. Their prices are really reasonable too! I think next time I might actually try dying my hair brown! That will be different. I'd love to be brave enough to go for a short sassy style too, but I'm just suck a chicken when it comes to my hair!

Rotten Ragu

So, last night I decided to make Chicken Parmesan. Jason just loves this and it's relatively easy to make. I really enjoy it too. I get out my pasta pan, and get the water started on the stove. I put the chicken in the oven and get out my sauce pan for the spaghetti sauce. I get the jar of sauce out of the cabinet and pot open the top. I turn to the spice cabinet to get out a few spices and when I turn around there is a huge mess.

Sauce is bubbling up over the top of the jar and starting to slide over the side. I quickly grab cookie sheet and place the overflowing jar on the cookie sheet to prevent a larger mess all over my counter. As the smell travels up to my nose, I realize exactly what was happening...

Never before have I ever had this happen to me, but the sauce was rotten! It was actually so fermented that coming in contact with the fresh oxygen in the air made a chemical reaction and allowed it to start bubbling up. How disgusting. I had JUST bought this sauce. It couldn't be spoiled. So I get the lid and check the date. Not expired, the date says June 17, 2010. I could have swore that the top popped when I opened it which would mean that it was sealed... I don't know, but it was awful! Stinky, disgusting and just sickening. Thank goodness I was making Chicken Parmesan and not spaghetti, otherwise I would have ruined a pound of ground turkey as well!

Too Much Toilet Time

I had a good weekend. Actually, I've had good days Thursday, Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday. I made it through 2 car trips to and from the airport which is about an hour and a half drive. This all makes me very happy, BUT late last night and early this morning were NOT so good. Again... I find myself stuck to the toilet. I have the urge, I go, I get up, I sit back down, I go, I get up, I sit back down, etc. HELP... I can't get away from the toilet!

My mom has encouraged me to keep track of good days & bad days. Hopefully I'll see the number of good days going up, and the number of bad days going down AND THEN maybe I'll feel more encouraged and positive about my healing progress. Ok, so the current count is 4 good, 1bad! All I can say is that my situation is a "pain in the BUTT".... LITERALLY!!!