Thoughts...

I have to admit, I'm completely going insane here! The waiting is killing me. The more I wait, the more I think, the more I get worked up. I can't just relax and not worry.
So, I'm trying very hard to keep busy. We have been going to a lot of football games... which I LOVE! And spending time with a very fun group of friends. I have been enjoying staying out late, sleeping in, and just going with the flow. All this had worked for the past 3 months during this agonizing wait, but now that things are starting to move toward Dec. 11, I'm finding myself getting more and more anxious.

It doesn’t help that my emotions are completely through the roof! I've started meds up again, so that doesn't help a ton either. Hot flashes, cold sweats and all that fun stuff! And on top of it all, it seems like I can't escape. Everywhere I turn it feels like babies and pregnancy is in my face. (What do you really expect though when you work with children from prenatal care to age 5?) This scares me even more. I feel so positive about this cycle. I feel very strongly that this is it, I will bring at least one of those 14 frozen babies home with me sometime next summer! But still, in the back of my mind there is that little "what if". I just have to say that I can't take another let down. I can't! This has to work, or I don't know what I'll do. I've become so very sad and depressed. I'm at my bottom... it has to look up from here.

Thank goodness I have the absolute best husband in the world. And right now, he feels like the only thing I have. Lately I have been feeling more and more alone. I have a wonderful group of online friends who are experiencing similar problems. They give me someone to talk to who truly understands, but they still aren't right here! They still don't know the real me. They aren't someone to hug! And although I love my friends dearly.... none of them know what I'm going through. Not truly. They may think they do, but they do not. Many of them didn't have problems conceiving at all, many have 2 or 3 children, they just really do not know. And often times, even though they don't know it, they are very inconsiderate of my situation and feelings. (In their defense, it is because they just really do not understand.) Thank goodness I'm good at hiding my feelings until I'm alone. Then I let loose and bawl my eyes out. If they only knew my pain...

So, now I'm feeling like I need to lock myself away and keep as busy as possible. This seems to be the only way to shield myself from extremely painful situations and interactions. My husband in great and always thinks of me and my feelings. In difficult situations he squeezes my hand to tell me its ok, and to just old on. When we are alone, he tells me how good of a job I did handling the situation. Then I cry! He is the only person who I let see me cry. (Well him and my doctors).

I'm really struggling with my faith too. Although I do not attend church regularly, I have and always have had a relationship with God and strived to live my life through him. I try to be a good person and follow the golden rule. I think this is more important than going someplace once a week. I have always believed that God has a plan. That we all have a purpose here in life and that God's will is what’s best. Lately I just can't escape the feeling that I must just be a horrible person. I truly feel as if I must have done something terribly wrong to deserve all the torture I've experienced in the past 3 year. Why else would it continue? Why else would my prayers be ignored? Why else would he not comfort me or give me strength to deal with everything? Why would I be pushed to the point that I want to give up? I want to give in? I just don't understand. I try so hard to stay strong and I pray every day for God to please give me the strength to make it though this difficult time in my life. I thank him everyday for all my beautiful blessings. Although sometimes this is hard to remember, I have so many. I ask him to bless all the wonderful people in my life. I ask him to forgive me for my sins, negative thoughts, and downfalls. I'm trying very hard not to let go, but I am really struggling.