New Cut & Color...

I've never dyed my hair before. Hard to believe, I know, but I've only ever highlighted it. So when Jamie, Viv and Jenny asked me come along, I was really excited. I've been wanted to go darker for quite sometime and decided that it was time for a change. I found something I liked in a magazine, but as it turns out, the hair stylist had something different in mind.

I'm not sure yet if I like it or not, and neither is my husband. He says it's "different". Well... it's just hair so it really doesn't matter. The real test will be if I can actually do it how the stylist did it.

It is really dark reddish brown underneath that fades into low lights into my natural blond colored hair. I really do love the color. The cut is what I'm having difficulty with.... I have bangs. Not bangs like I had in elementary and middle school, but sweeping bangs that go to the side. It's weird. I'm not quite sure a out it yet. She put shorter layers in, which I've had before, but when you put all this "different" together, it is quite shocking.

It's only hair, so if I decide I really don't like it, there is good news... it will grow out and I can always dye it again. One really cool thing is that my hair actually looks healthier after dying it. Strange huh? The stylist said that it's because you are putting pigment in rather than stripping it out when you highlight it. Anyway, here's a pic or two so you can judge for your self.

Fertility Stuff...

Ok, so most of you know all the struggles that I've been though for the past 4 years and I guess it's time for an update. It is something that's always on my mind, but I know that if i blogged about this awful experience I'm having EVERYDAY, none of you would ever want to read my blog, so I try to refrain from this negative stuff too much. Anyway, back in September Jason and I were given the go ahead once again. The Doctor cleared me from my surgery and told us we could try again. We talked about meds and he really wanted us to just give my body time to readjust chemically before jumping onto that boat.

I was so hopeful that this time I might actually conceive on my own without meds. Well, months of charting, tracking, testing, and hoping went by, but no such luck. I did find that i was ovulating now, which was a glimmer of light and hope. Prior to my surgery, I did NOT ovulate. The problem is that it is happening so late in my cycle. I'm not a doctor, so i waited.

Unfortunately last month I miscarried in the very early stages of a pregnancy and I started to doing some research and making some phone calls again. I found some information talking about when ovulation needs to occur in order to have a long enough time for a fertilized egg to implant. Looking at my charts I realized that I'm not ovulating until like day 23! This leaves me with a luteal phase of only 5 days or so, which just is not long enough! So, no matter how hard we try, this just isn't going to produce a healthy baby.

I scheduled another appointment with my Doctor, and he agreed... back on meds I go. So, I'm hopeful once again that maybe I actually will get to have a baby sometime soon. Now I just have to wait for my cycle to readjust its self. Any of you that has every had a miscarriage knows that it can take a few months to get things straightened back out again. Many of us women do not typically hope for our cycles to start, but I'm praying it will soon!

So, I'm very hopeful, but very scared. I do believe that God will bless us with a baby when the time is right, but I'm just so scared of another loss. I'm still so torn up about my first miscarriage. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I dream about what life would be like. What my baby would look like and how they would be over 5 months old now! It is just so painful. Words just cant express it. My surgeries and recoveries came with physical pain that at times made me wish for death, this is nothing compared to the emotional pain I feel from the loss of my baby. So, I'm scared and I worry!

Introducing....

So, back in October I posted pictures of shower invites and then just sort of dropped off the face of the earth. No explanation needed if you know me at all, but anyway. I need to introduce you to a very precious Little Girl!

Little Princess Lena was born on the very early morning of November 12, 2008. Her mom and dad (Jamie & Jairo (sorry if I spelled this wrong)) are very proud of their beautiful little girl and I was very honored that they would invite me to be part of their little miracle. It was the single most amazing and beautiful thing that I have witnessed thus far in my lifetime!

So, since I've been slacking so much, I now will post a few pictures that are from birth to 6 weeks! Time sure goes by fast in baby years! (I'm sure all you moms out there will agree!)

Self Censored...

I know it's been forever, and I have so much to say. For the first time ever I'm feeling a little bit sheepish about blogging all my feelings. I've never really censored myself, but recently I'm having a hard time and holding more in. There is just so much that I have and am going through that its really hard for me to let it out. Especially when I run the risk of blurting something out that, although may be extremely true, may also hurt others. And, as my mother always said, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Don't worry... I'll still be blabbing about everything that's physically going on with me, Just may not share the crazy thoughts from time to time :)

Invites...

So, as many of you know, my very best friend is expecting a beautiful baby girl in November. I have the pleasure of helping her mom throw a shower and I'm super excited about it. I have recently really been into using my scrapbooking skills to make my own cards. Well... invites are right up that alley too. I made my own wedding invites, so I was really excited about the possible opportunity to make baby shower invites too.

Jamie and her mom agreed to let me have the job, and they turned out cute if I do say so myself... and I do! I had so much fun putting them together. Of course they all had there own personality with different types of paper and glitter, but the general outline was the same. Here is a picture of my work to share.

My Excuse

Has your mother ever told you, "if you can't say something nice, then you shouldn't say anything at all"? Well... this is my excuse for not blogging the past few weeks. My last blog was about my job which is great, but honestly besides that and my husband, I don't have much nice to say!

My stupid body just won't cooperate with me. I hate it. I've tried so hard to stay positive and relax, but I've gotten to the point that I just can't stand it. Darn it, I need to be negative for a minute here. I'm so sick and tired of spending my life in the bathroom on the toilet! I'm tired of feeling crampy and bloated all the time. I'm tired of the constant urge to go with no avail! I'M JUST SICK OF IT!!!

I just want to be back to myself again. I have good days, but you have no idea how horrible my bad days are. I feel so awful and out of control. It is so embarrassing to have to run to the bathroom every minute or to go and then stand up and just as you are buttoning your pants, you have to whip them down as fast as you can. It is awful. I never thought I would say this but sometimes I think my life would be better with my bag back. I know this is not true. I haven't yet forgotten the embarrassing bulge and noises along with the constant worry of leaks or smell. I don't want the bag back, but darn it, I want to be better... ALL BETTER... NOW!

I'm sure you have probably had the occasional bathroom mishap, but it happens to me daily and I just can't stand it anymore. I can't go anywhere without knowing exactly where the restrooms are and that I can get there quickly if needed. Just driving to a football game can be a disaster waiting to happen. We are in the middle of nowhere and I have to go... NOW. So I'm searching desperately for anything, a gas station, restaurant, port-a-potty, whatever, a dirt road has even crossed my mind recently. It is just an awful feeling and I hate what my life it right now. Everyone says, "hang in there, it will get better". Its not that I don't believe this, I think it will get better too, but it doesn't make it any easier in the mean time.

I'm sick and tired of having to be patient. Damn it, I think I've been patient enough. My whole stinking life has revolved around patience, planning, organization, responsibility, etc. Darn it, I'm sick of it. I want what I want and I want it NOW. No more waiting for my body to heal, no more waiting for the right time, no more waiting for things to take care of themselves, darn it, I'm so sick and tired of waiting I just want to scream!

Ok, well that's my venting for now. I'm working on getting back to my good old positive self. I'll post something positive tonight or tomorrow... promise!

Back to School!

Well... I'm back to school. After being off from work for 4 months, I was so ready to go back. Ready, excited, but still nervous. Nervous because I can't always control my body and how it acts. I'm confident, because I have more good days than bad, but still worried. Worried that I would be in the middle of a session with a child, and have a problem. Worried that I'd be driving and not anywhere near a restroom. Worried that my body wouldn't cooperate with me. Well, after two days, I can say my body has been well behaved. Two full days of travel, class time, home visits, meetings, etc. and I made it through. I have no doubt that there WILL be days that aren't so good, but I'm feeling much more confident that it's going to be ok. Unless you've been in this situation, it's really hard to understand what it's like. It feels unrealistic to me sometimes, but then I realize I'm really living it, and making it through ok.

Other than the nerves about my body, my job is the best!!! Who wouldn't want to work and play with little kids all day and get paid for it! It's unreal. I really am doing my dream job! I miss being in the classroom all day, but am super excited to really get into my new position. I think that once playgroups start, and I get my parents attending our classroom settings, it's going to be AWESOME! I have so many neat ideas that I want to implement for my families. It just going to be great. Super busy, and hectic at times, but great. There will be days that I will be running around like crazy from homes, to classrooms, to libraries, daycare, etc. and back again. But I'm going to do my best to make our Transition process the best it can be! Working with the kids and families is awesome, but there sure it a LOT of paperwork!

Toledo Zoo

So my very good friend Danette invited me to go to the zoo with her, her daughter and grandson. It has been FOREVER since I've been to the zoo, and I was very excited for it. I hoped and prayed to God that Monday would be a good day so that I could go.

Monday came, and God answered my prayers. I had a great day! Plus, the weather was so nice. It was a bit chilly when we got there, but turned out to be just right. The sun came out, but yet it was only like high 70's. Very nice. I had so much fun with them and was so delighted to get to spend time with them. The company was amazing!

The zoo on the other hand was a bit of a disappointment. I have been to the Toledo zoo as a child and teen and have great memories! This was NOT the zoo from my memories. They have renovated and are still renovating, and changing so much of what I loved and remembered. The Africa exhibit has a very large area for the gazelle, zebra's and giraffes to roam. This is great, except they animals all go way to the back where you can't see them at all. The only way to ensure decent view is to pay to ride the little 3 min. train ride, OR to convince the one mischievous giraffe to herd up the zebra's and push them this way (this actually happened right before we were going to walk away! See picture above).

The penguin display is nothing like I remember! There used to be a large circular area with water around it and big white stone for the penguins to climb over and lay on. Not anymore, you could hardly even see the penguins. There were hardly any animals too. Not that I want to see ton's of animal in cages, but it is a zoo. And they way they have their displays set up, it really is nice and home-like for the animals. We didn't really see any apes, only a few monkey's, two elephants. Many of the animals enclosures were not spectator friendly. Many of the children there couldn't even see through the fencing they had set up, which unfortunately encouraged them to climb! (Dangerous, parents watch your kids!). So anyway, I guess I was just sad because it is not the wonderful place I remember. Still the animals we saw were amazing and beautiful, but just a little disappointing. Anyone been to the Ft. Wayne, IN zoo... we talked about trying that zoo next.

"HOLY Highlights Batman!!!!!"

So yesterday I decided enough is enough. I have dirty dishwater blonde hair, and I need some highlights to brighten in up. This used to be a normal activity for me, but when I think about it, I haven't had highlights in OVER a year. I had become used to my dull blonde hair color so much that I ignored it. Enough of that.

I call my normal hair salon, and they are booked all day. Not wanting to wait, I think about it. I remember that my friend Lacey always goes to Outer Limits in Hillsdale. She says they are good and always looks great, so I figure, "why not". They have an appointment available, but I need to leave my house NOW to get there on time. No time to think or ask questions, I grab my purse and Go!

So I get there and meet my stylist. She is very nice. I tell her I'm desperate for some highlights because I'm sick and tired of looking so drab. She asks, "so you want all over highlights". Yes, that sounds good. Ok, yes I wanted them all over, but the result left me feeling like my hair was simply died bleach blonde... there isn't much of my natural hair color left. It really isn't that bad when I'm in the salon, but once I step out into the natural sunlight, I realize just how dramatic it is! So... you can see the result from the above picture. (Please ignore my stupid expression, I wasn't quite ready... lol)

Oh, I still will be going to Outer Limits. The girls there were nice and fun! I just need to be more specific about my wants. Their prices are really reasonable too! I think next time I might actually try dying my hair brown! That will be different. I'd love to be brave enough to go for a short sassy style too, but I'm just suck a chicken when it comes to my hair!

Rotten Ragu

So, last night I decided to make Chicken Parmesan. Jason just loves this and it's relatively easy to make. I really enjoy it too. I get out my pasta pan, and get the water started on the stove. I put the chicken in the oven and get out my sauce pan for the spaghetti sauce. I get the jar of sauce out of the cabinet and pot open the top. I turn to the spice cabinet to get out a few spices and when I turn around there is a huge mess.

Sauce is bubbling up over the top of the jar and starting to slide over the side. I quickly grab cookie sheet and place the overflowing jar on the cookie sheet to prevent a larger mess all over my counter. As the smell travels up to my nose, I realize exactly what was happening...

Never before have I ever had this happen to me, but the sauce was rotten! It was actually so fermented that coming in contact with the fresh oxygen in the air made a chemical reaction and allowed it to start bubbling up. How disgusting. I had JUST bought this sauce. It couldn't be spoiled. So I get the lid and check the date. Not expired, the date says June 17, 2010. I could have swore that the top popped when I opened it which would mean that it was sealed... I don't know, but it was awful! Stinky, disgusting and just sickening. Thank goodness I was making Chicken Parmesan and not spaghetti, otherwise I would have ruined a pound of ground turkey as well!

Too Much Toilet Time

I had a good weekend. Actually, I've had good days Thursday, Friday, Saturday and most of Sunday. I made it through 2 car trips to and from the airport which is about an hour and a half drive. This all makes me very happy, BUT late last night and early this morning were NOT so good. Again... I find myself stuck to the toilet. I have the urge, I go, I get up, I sit back down, I go, I get up, I sit back down, etc. HELP... I can't get away from the toilet!

My mom has encouraged me to keep track of good days & bad days. Hopefully I'll see the number of good days going up, and the number of bad days going down AND THEN maybe I'll feel more encouraged and positive about my healing progress. Ok, so the current count is 4 good, 1bad! All I can say is that my situation is a "pain in the BUTT".... LITERALLY!!!

Super Duper Sister Visit!

My sister flew in from Boston to visit this weekend. I love and miss her dearly and I absolutely love when she comes to visit. We don't get to spend a lot of time together, so I cherish every minute. It was a short trip this time, but we made the most of every minute.

On Friday my Mom, Julia and I picked her up at around 2:15pm from Detroit Metro Airport.
Her flight was not only on time, but actually 15 minutes early! This was very refreshing and worked out nicely because instead of us trying to squeeze into a curb spot, that is typically 3 lanes deep, and patrolled by the police to make to re-loop around the airport until you can get a curb spot, She was standing by the curb and we pulled right up and she got right in. So nice!

From the airport we headed back into Ann Arbor where we had a late lunch at Chili's. I really love this restaurant, but I have to say, it's not so much my favorite anymore. I am soooooo disappointed that they discontinued the BEST SALAD EVER! It was call the grilled caribbean salad. It was grilled chicken layer upon crisp green lettuce, mandarin oranges, pineapple, tortilla strips, pico de gallo, and topped off with the most fabulous sweet honey-mustard-lime dressing! I love this salad and was so sad when I saw it was no longer part of the menu!

Ok, anyway, back to the wonderful weekend adventure. So from Chili's we went on a bit of a shopping trip. We spent hours going from store to store just looking, shopping, and talking! It was wonderful. By around 8:00pm we were ready for some COLD STONE! Yummy. Then more shopping, laughing, and good times. Finally we decided to try to make our way home after stopping for some sweet tea and diet coke's at McDonald's in the midst of our 80's karaoke party in the car! What's more fun that a car of girls belting out their favorite tunes and car dancing! I had a blast and I think everyone else did too.

On the way home we stopped at my Mom's place of employment to drop Charlei off in her office. Charlei is her new beautifully blue-green beta fish of which she acquired during our shopping spree. He loved it beautiful new home. And so we fed him and headed back to our parents house to visit a bit more. Finally a little after midnight we returned to my house to crash!

An early morning after a sleepless night left us yawning, but we were still ready to go. After breakfast and showers, we headed to Adrian to meet our Mom, Aunt Judy, and Julia to spend the day with our Grandmother who currently lives in a nursing home. We had so much fun hanging out! We went to Culver's where we had lunch, but sat for what must have been 2 hours talking once again. Trish and I ran in to an old friend from High School who we haven't seen for years and it was so nice! We were really happy to reconnect and exchange info once again. Then... more shopping. This time Julia pushed Grandma in her wheelchair across the parking lot to Big Lots where we picked up some odds and ends, school supplies, and a hearing aide battery for Grandma.

From Big Lots we headed across the street to the Mall. Grandma was ready for more and boy did we tire her out. We did some school cloths shopping at Penny's, and strolled through some of the other stores too. By the time we left, Grandma was exhausted. Trish and I returned to my house for an hour break, while Mom, Julia and Aunt Judy took Grandma home to tuck her in for a quick afternoon nap before dinner.

At 6:00pm we met at my parents house to celebrate Ash's 16th Birthday. She was there for food, cake, and presents, and then in the true fashion of a new driver, she headed to her friends house to spend the night! We continued to hang out, chat, and mess around with the kids. Trish killed the boys at Guitar Hero and then we all had to listen to them trying to beat her score for the rest of the night. It was fun! The kids don't get to see Trish much either, so I think they really enjoyed getting to spend some fun time with her as well. Of course, we once again stayed until midnight, and then headed back to my house to crash.

Today was an early morning too. Trish's flight was set for around 1:45pm, so we pretty much only had time to drive and do lunch. We did however HAVE to get to my parents house early enough to wake up our niece Leah and foster sister LaKoda to paint their toenails. See, I had promised the day before that I would come early enough to paint them sparkly just like mine. So we had about a half hour there with the kids, then my mom, Trish and I headed back toward Detroit!

We had to make a quick lunch stop, so we opted for Steak N Shake! My mom and sister LOVE ice cream, so this is typically included in our daily outing whenever we have the chance. We shared cheese fries and had shakes, it was delicious. Unfortunately the fun had to end and from there we had to take Trish and drop her back off at the airport. I will miss her!

I have to say, it was the BEST weekend I've had all summer. Even the hourly bathroom trips couldn't bring me down! It was so great to be me again!!!!!!! And most of all spend some time with my awesome sister!

WARNING: Poopy Problem... don't read if you don't want details

I guess I have to start this post off by updating some of you about my recent health issues. I've been blogging on my MySpace about it for months now, but for those of you who can only catch me there, here's the scoop.

For about 2 years (while trying to conceive) I experienced increasing pain and symptoms related to my digestive system. I went from physician to specialist and back with no avail. I was dismissed and told that it was menstrual cramps (Give me a break, I'm 27, I think I know what these feel like by now). I got pregnant in Sept. of 2007(with fertility drugs) and oddly enough, my problems went away. Unfortunately I suffered a miscarriage on December 13 and my problems came back STRONG! Anyway, I finally persisted enough and convinced my doctor I needed a colonoscopy. So, in January of this year I had one done. The doctors found a large mass on my rectum and colon. They were unable to biopsy the mass due to its location even with a laproscopic surgery! A second colonoscopy was done by colorectal surgeon who could not rule out cancer. So... in May I underwent major abdominal surgery to remove this mass. Thanks fully it was NOT cancer, but left my insides a mess after a colon resectioning and a temporary ileostomy (bag). July 30 I had my ileostomy removed. Ok, that catches you all up in short... here's where I'm at now!

Well, I had my 2-week post operation appointment today. They took the staples out of my incision and said it looked pretty good. It’s still open about a quarter of an inch, so they put steri-strips on it to hold it together. On the exterior, things are going pretty good. I feel good most of the time and except for the huge scars all over my stomach, I’m looking ok too. I dropped another 10lbs (you can’t really tell… at least I don’t notice too much) with this surgery, so there’s a small silver lining…. I guess.

Internally, I’m still a mess. The doctor says I will see large improvements in the next 3 weeks, and over all improvements for up to the next 2 years. This is good news, but I sure wish it would happen a bit faster. It’s so hard because I still feel confined. With the bag, I felt confined do to self-image and how uncomfortable I was in general. Now I feel confined because of the flu or food poisoning-like symptoms that I endure on a whim. A constant urge to use the bathroom, diarrhea, constipation, and what the doctor calls “fragmented bowel movements”. I never know when it’s going to happen, but when it does, I need to be near a bathroom… NOW! And it’s not as if I just do my business and it’s done, no… it stays with me for an hour or so. Today I thought we were going to be stranded in Ann Arbor after my doctor’s appointment waiting for my system to get it together. Luckily is settled down enough so that I could at least make it the hour and a half trip home.

I’m just praying that God will help my system start working like it should. I’m scared to death that this is how my life is going to be and I just don’t know how I’ll deal. I can’t imagine doing many of the activities that we enjoyed before, much less work. How in the world am I going to give my all to my students when I could have to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes to an hour? Trips on the Harley… yeah right! Camping… I guess if I bring a bucket! Anyway, right now I’m just really worried that all the problems I’m incurring may go on longer than I can endure! God Help Me… Please!

A Furry Situation...

So... why exactly is it that my two perfect puppies are shedding in August! I have to admit that they are pampered and spend little time outside in the warm weather, but still. We went through this shedding episode in May when we had that warm up for a week, then again in late June-early July and now again in August. What is the deal? My hardwood floors are scattered with white fluffy fur balls floating around when you walk past. Oh, and it's not like we didn't just sweep and vacuum an hour ago. And the burgundy rug in the living room... well it already has a nice coat of white across it as well. These dogs need to get it together and stop making my house keeping more difficult!

Let the blogging begin... or at least continue in a new spot

Some of you may or may not frequent my MySpace page, but if you do, you know that I enjoy blogging there. It is a great place for me to let loose and free my mind. So I figure, why not have an actual blog! How silly, it seems like something that I should have started forever ago. Anyway, here I am setting up this blog to give me a space to write about the happenings of me and my little family! I hope you will enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing!

Stay tuned....