For so many years I was lost and in despair. I lived in depression due to self-pity of the obstacle in my life. Because of the pain, the sickness, the surgeries, the colostomy bag, the infertility, etc. I had lost hope. It seemed that so many things were thrown upon me at once. I was being buried, suffocated by these struggles. I continued to pray and so did all those special friends and family who loved me so much and saw my pain. As they prayed and tried to help, I pushed them all farther and farther away. Thank goodness for those few who demanded to be in my life! I needed them so much and am so thankful. Especially my wonderful Husband and terrific Sister. Even through my despair, I prayed. I prayed that God would please help me find a way to be myself again. Help me find a way to let go. Help me find a way to get my life back and feel better. Gradually I began to find myself again. Through my job and my marriage, I began to count my blessings and all the small wonderful things that I do have. All this time God had been blessing me and all I saw the one thing I didn't have. I didn't recognize the wonderful husband who supports me unconditionally, or a fabulous job i have. Or all the family, friends and colleges that brighten my day. I began to see that there is hope, and that everything was going to be fine. That God had a plan for me, and I was going to be the stubborn, motivated, goal-oriented, happy-go-lucky person I had always been. I would try my hardest to get where I wanted to be and just pray that it was the same place that God wanted me to be (otherwise we all know I wouldn't have gotten there). This horrible time in my life can now be seen as a complete blessing. I am so thankful and appreciative of everything in my life that I do have. There are so many people out there that have struggles much larger than mine. I will not take for granted the fact that I am alive, I have the most wonderful husband, the best family and friends, a good job, a home and so much more. I am blessed.
So, yes. I have over 1/2 way through my pregnancy and so incredibly excited, anxious and nervous all at once. I still have horrible thoughts that run through my mind from time to time, but I quickly say a little prayer, and think positive thoughts. Every time I feel my little one move, I just smile. My heart is warmed and I feel so blessed that it brings tears to my eyes. It's more than I ever imagine and all I've ever wanted. I couldn't be happier.
On Wednesday, April 7th, Jason and I had are "big" 20 week ultrasound. We were beyond excited to see our little baby again. To see how much he/or she had grown, that the baby was healthy, and if we were having a son or a daughter. So, with a full bladder I waddled softly into the office trying not to wet my pants. The ultrasound tech was so good, she got me right in!
So, I get up on the table and we see our baby for the first time in about a month! It was amazing. I couldn't believe how much the little one had grown! Of course, as you would guess, we have a stubborn little one who just didn't' want to cooperate. The technician was having a very difficult time getting views of the heart, spine, and lower extremities. She pushed and prodded for 20 minutes until I almost peed on the the table. I grunted a little as I strained to hold it, and she said "are you ok", I replied yeah, just peed a little... So at that point, she let me empty my bladder. We were thinking that we would have to come back another day to try to get the rest of the baby to make sure that everything was developing as it should. After I went to the bathroom, I walked around the room, rubbed/shook my belly a little to shake the stinker up, and then laid on my left side. Well, the tech came back in and we tried again. She successfully got the heart and spine as he did turn a bit.
And then he moved a lot! Just at the technician said "are you ready" I looked up at the plasma screen and say with tears in my eyes "ohhhh, it's a boy!" She said "wow, yeah, no doubt about it! It's a boy" I guess the little guy decided that if he just let us get the picture we wanted, we would leave him alone and let him sleep. I sure hope he's as laid back and restful when he's here! I really do think he has Jason's personality already. He is just so easy going. Doesn't cause me a lot of trouble most of the time, but when he does decide to move, whoa, he moves! I feel as if I know him already. I love him more than words can express that's for sure!
So, here are a few pictures from the ultrasound. I really wish I would have taped the ultrasound as it was such an amazing experience, and the pictures just don't do it justice. Everything was so much clearer on the screen. It was almost as if there was a looking glass into my tummy! I miss him and wish I could afford one of those ultrasound machines at home! I'd never leave :)
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