Fertility Stuff...

Ok, so most of you know all the struggles that I've been though for the past 4 years and I guess it's time for an update. It is something that's always on my mind, but I know that if i blogged about this awful experience I'm having EVERYDAY, none of you would ever want to read my blog, so I try to refrain from this negative stuff too much. Anyway, back in September Jason and I were given the go ahead once again. The Doctor cleared me from my surgery and told us we could try again. We talked about meds and he really wanted us to just give my body time to readjust chemically before jumping onto that boat.

I was so hopeful that this time I might actually conceive on my own without meds. Well, months of charting, tracking, testing, and hoping went by, but no such luck. I did find that i was ovulating now, which was a glimmer of light and hope. Prior to my surgery, I did NOT ovulate. The problem is that it is happening so late in my cycle. I'm not a doctor, so i waited.

Unfortunately last month I miscarried in the very early stages of a pregnancy and I started to doing some research and making some phone calls again. I found some information talking about when ovulation needs to occur in order to have a long enough time for a fertilized egg to implant. Looking at my charts I realized that I'm not ovulating until like day 23! This leaves me with a luteal phase of only 5 days or so, which just is not long enough! So, no matter how hard we try, this just isn't going to produce a healthy baby.

I scheduled another appointment with my Doctor, and he agreed... back on meds I go. So, I'm hopeful once again that maybe I actually will get to have a baby sometime soon. Now I just have to wait for my cycle to readjust its self. Any of you that has every had a miscarriage knows that it can take a few months to get things straightened back out again. Many of us women do not typically hope for our cycles to start, but I'm praying it will soon!

So, I'm very hopeful, but very scared. I do believe that God will bless us with a baby when the time is right, but I'm just so scared of another loss. I'm still so torn up about my first miscarriage. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. I dream about what life would be like. What my baby would look like and how they would be over 5 months old now! It is just so painful. Words just cant express it. My surgeries and recoveries came with physical pain that at times made me wish for death, this is nothing compared to the emotional pain I feel from the loss of my baby. So, I'm scared and I worry!