Acceptance...

So I guess I've maybe finally come to terms with my disappointment. I'm trying to think positive and believe that there is a plan and everything does happen for a reason... but it still sucks to wait more and to have my hopes up and broken down once again.

Anyway, I was much to sick to go ahead with the fresh embryo transfer as planned. I was devastated at first because I had been getting so excited to think that in days I might actually be pregnant, now I'm back to terms with waiting months again. I guess after 4 years I should be able to deal with it a bit better, but it still crushes me.

My ovaries were super stimulated during my IVF cycle and fortunately, I had an abundance of eggs. There were 20 healthy looking follicles when the egg retrieval was done. Of those 20 follicles, 18 eggs were harvested, 17 were mature, and 14 fertilized! So, right now we have 14 little babies frozen, waiting for me to be healthy enough to try to carry them. This is exciting and creepy to me all at once. I guess I just find it amazing that technology has come this far, and more amazed that the early human life is resilient enough to undergo months to years in a frozen state. I know that some of these little ones won't live through the freeze; some will not develop enough to be implanted... I just pray that at least one of them will! And if God's willing, I'll take all 14 if I can! (not at once though).

So, now... it's more of the waiting game. I was so sick for about a month, and now things are calming down a bit. My stomach was visible distended and taught with the pressure of the fluid in my abdomen. I had to have it aspirated twice, but it has been slowly going down since then. It reminded me a lot of my time right after my abdominal surgery. Very bloated and super sore. Couldn't walk, sit up, lay down... it was miserable. At one point I thought to myself "what the heck am I doing to myself?" It's so hard because so often I find myself doubting myself.... I hate that. The only thing I know is that right now I feel as if there is nothing I wouldn't risk to have our baby. I'm sure many of you don't understand... how could you, you've never lived this pain... but no matter how I try to rationalize it, it all comes right back down to that one statement.

My body is on the mend and I am taking a breather. It is our hope, and the Dr. opinion, that I should be healthy enough to try a frozen embryo transfer in December. So, until then I will be praying and dreaming of our babies!