Thursday, March 26, 2009

Why? (Beware of Rant)

I guess this question just sums up a lot of what I think about a lot of crap right now. I'm just so sick and tired of month after month, and year after year for that matter, being filled with frustration and disappointment! Why can't I just get pregnant? What in the world have I done so terrible bad that I can not be blessed with a child. I just don't understand. There are tons of people out there that are HORRIBLE parents, but yet for some reason they are blessed over and over again with wonderful children whom they throw away. I'm just sick of it all... some days i just want to move far away from everyone I ever knew and live alone. I feel so alone anyway and part of me thinks that maybe if I weren't surrounded by tons of people and children that these thoughts wouldn't consume every second of my day. Maybe for once I could let it go and come to terms with the fact that I may never have children. I could start a new life and just live! Be happy. 4 years ago I thought my life was pretty darn perfect! I have the most wonderful husband in the world who I just love more than anything. We have a nice home together with two great dogs and are blessed with great jobs that we both enjoy! Everyday I would wake up happy and just loving life. I want that back! I just feel so empty. So guilty. Jason is the most amazing man I have ever met, what if he never gets to be a dad because of me. He will be the most wonderful father, and I feel as if I am holding him back. I feel like such a failure. I can't help but think about having a baby every second of the day. I just can't let go. I'm so sick of everyone telling me the most ridiculous things that make me just want to scream! Like for example, "just quite trying" "it will happen when you least expect it", you're trying to hard", or my absolute favorite "at least you know you can get pregnant". WTF! For real. Yeah, it makes me feel a whole lot better to know that I can get pregnant... just because I loose the baby every time and can never carry it to term... oh, at least I can get pregnant. How in the heck is that supposed to make me feel better? Please, explain that to me. And, you know what, NO, you don't know how I feel. It makes me so furious when people tell me that they understand exactly how I feel... well nobody who I have every met in my life thus far knows exactly how I feel. I have never met someone who has had to endure the pain and torture that I have been put through. Yes, there are many people who have experienced much worse than I, or very similar situations, but none that I know of who have lived my exact situations and feelings. Telling me that you can relate to my situation is a much better way of putting it. And if you've ever conceived a child without even thinking about it, or without trying for over 2 months... you really don't have a clue. I'm sorry... I just am feeling so hostile and aggravated right now that I just have to let this all out! I just pray that someday I will look back at this and feel like it wasn't that bad. Hopefully I will be appreciative of the experiences that I have had to endure, and feel like they made me a better person. Just like my experience with a colostomy bag. I feel so appreciative of that experience because it gave me a great appreciation for many things in life that I took for granted. I am thankful to be looking back and feeling positive about that horrible, awful situation. Right now, it just pisses me off though.

1 comment:

  1. I just want to scream out loud for you! WHY??????????? It sucks when people say things to you that you know it's because that don't know what else to say but still... my favorite is well at least you have a child already. Ugh... that doesn't mean that I don't want more people! Come on!!