Big News = Bigger Worries

So after my Embryo Transfer on December 11th, I got the biggest and best news I've had in a long time. It worked, and I'm pregnant. I was suspicious before my official Dr. appointment on Dec. 21st, but was trying hard not to get my hopes up too high. My only symptom is the same as one of my symptoms during my last pregnancy: Very Sore Breasts!

I'm thrilled of course, but also scared to death! I have been here before a little over two years ago. I remember it like it was just yesterday so of course it brings a flood of emotions back to life. I'm so happy and I feel so blessed to be pregnant again, but in the back of my mind I'm so scared because I know how quickly things can change. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything in the world. I feel as if I would give my life for this opportunity. The excitement and joy I see in Jason's eyes is so wonderful, I'm scared to death that although I'm the one to give him this joy, I could also be the one to destroy it. God please be with me and my growing baby. Bless us both so that I may hold them in my arms this summer.

There were some strange connections between my loss in 2007 and my current pregnancy. It was December 11, 2007 that I had to endure my D&C. It was Dec. 11, 2009 that two precious little babies were placed in my uterus and began to grow! I can't help but thinking that it is a sign of support and encouragement. I just wish I could completely let go of my fears.

Lately my mind as been playing tricks on me. People think I'm crazy and don't know what I'm saying when I say that I wish I had nausea and morning sickness everyday and night! I really do, I swear to it. At least then I would have a reminder everyday that I'm still pregnant and things are going well. Right now, I have nothing and it is worrying me to death. My breasts are not tender, I'm not peeing a lot, no sickness, nothing. Many people would be happy to have a good pregnancy like this, but for someone who has lost a baby without warning; it is the scariest thing in the world.

I remember going in for my 12 week ultasound... I was elated and so excited to see how much my baby had grown. Their little fingers and toes were visible, and they looked just perfect! I had not warning or indication that their little heart had stopped beating and it was only a matter of time before my body would "dispose" of them. In hind sight, I remember that I wasn't worried at all, but when that news set in, I remember thinking, "I guess my symptoms have really gone away". My breasts were sore and I was peeing all the time, it stopped, and I didn't even notice until after they informed me that my baby was gone.

So, now I can't help but worry. I wish someone would give me a piece of mind. Many of my IVF online friends have reassured me that it is fine. Symptoms come and go and fluctuate and everyone is different. I just am so scared of losing this baby too. I can't help but worry and I guess in a way, try to protect or prepare myself for the reoccurrences of that pain and anguish. I pray that God will see me and this baby/babies through. I pray every night and multiple times throughout the day just as I have for over 4 years now. God please give me peace and bless this growing baby/babies inside me.

Monday, January 4th is my first ultrasound. First and most importantly the Dr. will be able to tell me if the baby is growing at the right rate, and if my body is carrying the baby well at this point. Another exciting thing is that we will find out if I am carrying one or two babies and will also be able to determine my estimated due date a bit more closely.. According to my calculations, It is August 28th, 2010 (for one baby)! I’m just excited to know that everything is going well and maybe then I can at least relax a little bit.