My Excuse

Has your mother ever told you, "if you can't say something nice, then you shouldn't say anything at all"? Well... this is my excuse for not blogging the past few weeks. My last blog was about my job which is great, but honestly besides that and my husband, I don't have much nice to say!

My stupid body just won't cooperate with me. I hate it. I've tried so hard to stay positive and relax, but I've gotten to the point that I just can't stand it. Darn it, I need to be negative for a minute here. I'm so sick and tired of spending my life in the bathroom on the toilet! I'm tired of feeling crampy and bloated all the time. I'm tired of the constant urge to go with no avail! I'M JUST SICK OF IT!!!

I just want to be back to myself again. I have good days, but you have no idea how horrible my bad days are. I feel so awful and out of control. It is so embarrassing to have to run to the bathroom every minute or to go and then stand up and just as you are buttoning your pants, you have to whip them down as fast as you can. It is awful. I never thought I would say this but sometimes I think my life would be better with my bag back. I know this is not true. I haven't yet forgotten the embarrassing bulge and noises along with the constant worry of leaks or smell. I don't want the bag back, but darn it, I want to be better... ALL BETTER... NOW!

I'm sure you have probably had the occasional bathroom mishap, but it happens to me daily and I just can't stand it anymore. I can't go anywhere without knowing exactly where the restrooms are and that I can get there quickly if needed. Just driving to a football game can be a disaster waiting to happen. We are in the middle of nowhere and I have to go... NOW. So I'm searching desperately for anything, a gas station, restaurant, port-a-potty, whatever, a dirt road has even crossed my mind recently. It is just an awful feeling and I hate what my life it right now. Everyone says, "hang in there, it will get better". Its not that I don't believe this, I think it will get better too, but it doesn't make it any easier in the mean time.

I'm sick and tired of having to be patient. Damn it, I think I've been patient enough. My whole stinking life has revolved around patience, planning, organization, responsibility, etc. Darn it, I'm sick of it. I want what I want and I want it NOW. No more waiting for my body to heal, no more waiting for the right time, no more waiting for things to take care of themselves, darn it, I'm so sick and tired of waiting I just want to scream!

Ok, well that's my venting for now. I'm working on getting back to my good old positive self. I'll post something positive tonight or tomorrow... promise!