Boomerang Effect

There is this strange occurrence that always seems to happen to me. No matter how hard I try to make sure that it doesn't, it just does. Maybe some of you out there can make me feel better by sharing that this incident has happened to you as well. Let me explain.

I try very hard to always do the right thing. You know, to follow the rules, respect others, use the golden rule, be compassionate and considerate of others' feelings and generally do the right thing. I try my darnedest to do this and for some unknown reason, it seems to quite often come back to bite me in the butt. I can't quite figure out how trying so hard to do whats right and be considerate always ends up blowing up in my face. Really... how is it that this happens.

I'm starting to think that I try too hard. Maybe if I were a more blunt and rude person who was just straight forward to the point of inconsiderate that this "boomerang effect" wouldn't happen to me. I don't know. I guess its just a fact of life. It is who I am and the people out there that really know me will understand because they know that in my heart I was thinking of them and their feelings and trying to do what was right. And those that don't, I'm sorry. The fact of the matter is that there will always be people out there that are the "Pot stirrers". They like to get things started and cause problems for people. I choose not to fall into their trap, or play their game and I just hope and pray that those that I call friends can see this and make this choice as well.

An interesting thing though, there is actually a definition for "boomerang effect" and it's funny how well it actually connects to my situations.
See what Wikipedia said:

In social psychology, the boomerang effect is "the theory of psychological reactance (that people act to protect their sense of freedom) is supported by experiments showing that attempts to restrict a person's freedom often produce an anticonformity "boomerang effect" (Brehm, S., & Brehm, J.W. (1981). In social marketing, the boomerang effect occurs as a result of attempted attitude change. If someone makes a strong attempt to change a prospect's attitude toward a subject, the prospect will counter with an equally strong response, even if prior to the confrontation, the prospect held a weak attitude toward the subject.

Refocused and Centered....

Ok, so I guess it took a small melt down and a little pity party to get things back in order for me. Jason and I talked, I cried, and after sleeping on it, I guess I'm feeling better. The bottom line is, I can't go on living my life the way I have been feeling and, the truth is, no one can change this but me. Yeah, shitty stuff has happened to me in my life and it's not fair, but I can't just be sad and mopey for the rest of my life. That's just not me, and I'm tired of not being me.

So, I'm not in control of my fertility. No matter what I choose to do, if a baby is not in the cards for me, then it isn't going to happen. This doesn't mean that I will quite trying, hoping, and praying for it, it just means that I need to stop letting it control my life. I do have control over my reactions and feelings and I need to pull it together and get back to enjoying all the blessings that I do have in my life instead of dwelling on the one large thing that I don't. I know that this will be an incredible hard feat for me, but I'm going to try darn hard.

Obviously you can tell that my news from the fertility clinic was less than good. I have no more answers than when I started 3 years ago, and it is disheartening to know that there is no reason or diagnosis for the problem (whatever the problem is... we don't even know that). I guess we do have a diagnosis, "unexplained infertility". Whatever the heck that means. So anyway, there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to get pregnant, I'm just not. I guess this is good because maybe one of these months my body will just decide to cooperate and it might happen. But on the other hand, I feel so helpless. All my life I have been able to fight to work to achieve my dreams and goals. It is just so defeating to feel that no matter what you do, you cannot make it happen.

The Infertility Doctor whom I was referred to was excellent and so compassionate. I feel like he truly cares and was dedicated me as his patient. Despite his kindness, his news really hit me like a ton of bricks. The last thing I wanted to hear was IVF. I thought that maybe there were some other medicines or procedures or tests that could be done to track down a reason and fix it. I really didn't expect him to say that he is "not overly optimistic about a pregnancy occurring with strictly medication at this point". I guess I kind of knew this in my mind, I've been on the max does of Clomid for 5 months now, and it typically works within 3 if it's going to work, But I just really wanted there to be other options. Despite the money that it costs to have In Vitro (no covered by insurance), I'm not sure I'm ready for another highly invasive procedure.

Then I have all these other thoughts in my mind... I do believe that God has a plan (although I don't like it right now), I believe that my best interest is at heart and maybe I need to stop fighting against it. I'm not in control and the thought comes to mind about what might happen if I push too hard. Will I have more medical problems? Will I have a baby with a birth defect or special needs? When do you say enough human intervention? When do you let go? This question is especially hard when it is something that you want to badly. I just struggle with all these thoughts.

But back to the refocused and centered part. Jason and I have talked and we will not venture into the world of In Vitro at this point in our life. We will keep the faith and hold tight to each other and pray that God will take care of us. I am going to finish up with a 6th cycle of clomid (just because i have it and who knows, it did work 2 years ago) and talk about injections, but In Vitro is not something we are ready to jump into at this point. So I am packing away my monitor, ovulation strips, thermometer and fertilityfriend.com subscription, and refocusing. Putting time into our home and land. Loving my job as always and working hard to be good at it. Taking time to enjoy my wonderful husband and all of our family and friends. And most of all, just getting back to me!

%#*@ Life...

Boy do I sure feel like someone really just wants me to quite! I try like heck to stay positive and look at the bright side. I deal with all the shit that happens to me, and just when I think it's going to be ok, I'm going to get through it, then some other bull sh*t is thrown at me. I'm just so sick of it all! Life really is NOT fair and I just want to quite! I'm so done with all of it. I feel completely helpless and totally out of control... I hate it! For real, you can only beat someone down so much, come on, cut me some slack for goodness sake! All I ever try to do is be kind, compassionate and devote my life to helping others! Could I please just get a break from all of the negative crap for once.


P.S. Don't worry... I just needed to vent.

Nervous...

I know I haven't shared much lately about my issues, but I guess I'm just still trying to take everything in. Last week I went back to visit my Baby Doctor, (who I absolutely LOVE). He specializes in endometriosis and pregnancy. (So I was super excited that he would be able to help me). Well... I've been on clomid for 5 cycles now, and things are not working. Not only are they not working, they are getting worse. I was really hopeful that since it worked 2 years ago, it would work again, but that was not the case. Plus, you can only do 6 cycles of it at once then you have to give your ovaries a break (it can cause infertility indefinite if you over stimulate them). While there he explains to me (which I've read over and over again and was aware of which is why i scheduled an appointment with him in the first place) that typically if clomid is going to work, it will work with in the first 2 cycles. After that the percentage of pregnancy drops to some single digit number. So pretty much, it's not working for me.

I'm not so shocked to hear all of this, but for some reason the next part really scared the heck out of me. He explains to me that it is time for him to referred me to the infertility clinic. I just don't like those words. I had always thought that I was getting fertility help, not INfertility help. So I'm infertile? I don't' know, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have always thought that thing would be just fine and that I just needed to be extra, extra patient for some reason (like 4 years and 3 months isn't enough). After hearing this, I just felt so scared and hurt. I felt like he was ditching me or something. I know he's not, and I totally respect him for not wasting anymore of my time (like many other doctors did and almost cost me my ability to use the toilet like a normal person), but it just brought about so many thoughts.

So of course, anyone who knows me know that the first thing I did once I got home was research the clinic and doctor to whom he referred me. That was probably the wrong thing to do. Of course the whole page pretty much centers on In Vitro Fertilization and all these extremely invasive procedures. I guess I just never saw myself as being that severe. Do I really need that much help? Then, to make things worse, they have a small tab on the website about success rates. "Oh good I thought", I can see how wonderful they do. I was less than impressed to find out that only 63% of their patients actually get pregnant. Holy crap that is not what I wanted to see. I guess in my mind I was just thinking it would be, you know, in the 90's or something. I know myself well enough to know that percentages have never been on my side. It's been the story of my life. For some reason, it seems like the smaller chance there is for things to go my way, the more likely it is that it won't. And, as I said before... am I really that severe?

Until now, I had always felt very sure that I would eventually get pregnant with only a little bit of help, and carry a healthy baby. Now I'm thinking, What if I am one of the small percent of women who just can't have children. No explanation, it just isn't going to happen. My diagnosis post surgery was "unexplained infertility". Nice huh? They don't even know why I can't get pregnant or carry. Yes, I had a lot of unusual endometriosis that cause a world of trouble in my colon and rectum area, but my reproductive organs were all clean, not one spot. So, they just are unsure as to what the heck my body is doing. I know that things always happen for a reason, and always work out they way they were meant to in the end, but it's so hard to remember that when you want something so badly that you would rather not live than not have it.

So, needless to say, I'm scared to death. My appointment is tomorrow and I have no idea what to expect. I don't know what they will want me to try next, or if I'll even be able to go ahead with it. I struggle with so much of this in my heart and it's hard to know what to do. My heart wants something so badly, but something in my head is telling me that I needed to think about when enough is enough. I just am not there yet. I'm sure that soon it will become a financial issue and I won't really have to make a decision anyway... it will be made for me.

A Plan...

As you may know, our 5-year anniversary is quickly approaching. (I can't believe it's been 5 years already!) We have been tossing around ideas on a get-a-way for quite sometime, and other things always come up. Either we are waiting for lines on a pink stick, or have doctor appointments or whatever. Anyways, we decided enough was enough. Less thinking and more doing, and I guess that's just the excuse we needed to push us over the edge.

So, on May 7th we will fly to Vegas for a 2nd Honeymoon in celebration of a fabulous 5 years together. I'm so super excited. This trip has really brightened my spirit and given my mind a much needed new topic of obsession. We debated about going to Hawaii or some other tropical oasis, but we wanted to keep this trip shorter so that we can take another vacation later this summer. AND, the idea of returning to the spot where we celebrated our first week as a married couple really just makes my heart jump.

We are going to stay at a different hotel, and see a few different shows (can you believe that all the shows we saw last time are STILL there!) I'm sure they are a bit different, but we are going to mix it up a bit. I've booked the flight and hotel, but am researching before we purchase our show tickets. Last time we saw Blue Man Group (which I would LOVE to see again), Lance Burton, and a few other smaller comedy shows. This time we are debating between David Spade, Criss Angel, a dinner mystery show, and a hypnotist. I think we will also go to the Tournament of Kings because it is just fun! We went while in Florida and in Vegas. I just like it.

Secretly I am hoping that all that crap that everyone says is true.... you know what I'm talking about. Everyone is always saying crap like, "quite trying, it will happen", or "make a big purchase, it'll happen" or "Plan a tropical vacation where you want to enjoy a few drinks, it will happen". You know... All of THOSE comments that make me want to strangle people. Well... We bought a motorcycle 3 years ago, my dad was sure that would work.... here I am still baby-less and making payments on a motorcycle... (which I'm not complaining about, I actually really do love it just as much as Jason). The large purchase try was a bust, so I guess it's time for a vacation! (secretly crossing fingers).