Refocused and Centered....

Ok, so I guess it took a small melt down and a little pity party to get things back in order for me. Jason and I talked, I cried, and after sleeping on it, I guess I'm feeling better. The bottom line is, I can't go on living my life the way I have been feeling and, the truth is, no one can change this but me. Yeah, shitty stuff has happened to me in my life and it's not fair, but I can't just be sad and mopey for the rest of my life. That's just not me, and I'm tired of not being me.

So, I'm not in control of my fertility. No matter what I choose to do, if a baby is not in the cards for me, then it isn't going to happen. This doesn't mean that I will quite trying, hoping, and praying for it, it just means that I need to stop letting it control my life. I do have control over my reactions and feelings and I need to pull it together and get back to enjoying all the blessings that I do have in my life instead of dwelling on the one large thing that I don't. I know that this will be an incredible hard feat for me, but I'm going to try darn hard.

Obviously you can tell that my news from the fertility clinic was less than good. I have no more answers than when I started 3 years ago, and it is disheartening to know that there is no reason or diagnosis for the problem (whatever the problem is... we don't even know that). I guess we do have a diagnosis, "unexplained infertility". Whatever the heck that means. So anyway, there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to get pregnant, I'm just not. I guess this is good because maybe one of these months my body will just decide to cooperate and it might happen. But on the other hand, I feel so helpless. All my life I have been able to fight to work to achieve my dreams and goals. It is just so defeating to feel that no matter what you do, you cannot make it happen.

The Infertility Doctor whom I was referred to was excellent and so compassionate. I feel like he truly cares and was dedicated me as his patient. Despite his kindness, his news really hit me like a ton of bricks. The last thing I wanted to hear was IVF. I thought that maybe there were some other medicines or procedures or tests that could be done to track down a reason and fix it. I really didn't expect him to say that he is "not overly optimistic about a pregnancy occurring with strictly medication at this point". I guess I kind of knew this in my mind, I've been on the max does of Clomid for 5 months now, and it typically works within 3 if it's going to work, But I just really wanted there to be other options. Despite the money that it costs to have In Vitro (no covered by insurance), I'm not sure I'm ready for another highly invasive procedure.

Then I have all these other thoughts in my mind... I do believe that God has a plan (although I don't like it right now), I believe that my best interest is at heart and maybe I need to stop fighting against it. I'm not in control and the thought comes to mind about what might happen if I push too hard. Will I have more medical problems? Will I have a baby with a birth defect or special needs? When do you say enough human intervention? When do you let go? This question is especially hard when it is something that you want to badly. I just struggle with all these thoughts.

But back to the refocused and centered part. Jason and I have talked and we will not venture into the world of In Vitro at this point in our life. We will keep the faith and hold tight to each other and pray that God will take care of us. I am going to finish up with a 6th cycle of clomid (just because i have it and who knows, it did work 2 years ago) and talk about injections, but In Vitro is not something we are ready to jump into at this point. So I am packing away my monitor, ovulation strips, thermometer and fertilityfriend.com subscription, and refocusing. Putting time into our home and land. Loving my job as always and working hard to be good at it. Taking time to enjoy my wonderful husband and all of our family and friends. And most of all, just getting back to me!