Nervous...

I know I haven't shared much lately about my issues, but I guess I'm just still trying to take everything in. Last week I went back to visit my Baby Doctor, (who I absolutely LOVE). He specializes in endometriosis and pregnancy. (So I was super excited that he would be able to help me). Well... I've been on clomid for 5 cycles now, and things are not working. Not only are they not working, they are getting worse. I was really hopeful that since it worked 2 years ago, it would work again, but that was not the case. Plus, you can only do 6 cycles of it at once then you have to give your ovaries a break (it can cause infertility indefinite if you over stimulate them). While there he explains to me (which I've read over and over again and was aware of which is why i scheduled an appointment with him in the first place) that typically if clomid is going to work, it will work with in the first 2 cycles. After that the percentage of pregnancy drops to some single digit number. So pretty much, it's not working for me.

I'm not so shocked to hear all of this, but for some reason the next part really scared the heck out of me. He explains to me that it is time for him to referred me to the infertility clinic. I just don't like those words. I had always thought that I was getting fertility help, not INfertility help. So I'm infertile? I don't' know, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I have always thought that thing would be just fine and that I just needed to be extra, extra patient for some reason (like 4 years and 3 months isn't enough). After hearing this, I just felt so scared and hurt. I felt like he was ditching me or something. I know he's not, and I totally respect him for not wasting anymore of my time (like many other doctors did and almost cost me my ability to use the toilet like a normal person), but it just brought about so many thoughts.

So of course, anyone who knows me know that the first thing I did once I got home was research the clinic and doctor to whom he referred me. That was probably the wrong thing to do. Of course the whole page pretty much centers on In Vitro Fertilization and all these extremely invasive procedures. I guess I just never saw myself as being that severe. Do I really need that much help? Then, to make things worse, they have a small tab on the website about success rates. "Oh good I thought", I can see how wonderful they do. I was less than impressed to find out that only 63% of their patients actually get pregnant. Holy crap that is not what I wanted to see. I guess in my mind I was just thinking it would be, you know, in the 90's or something. I know myself well enough to know that percentages have never been on my side. It's been the story of my life. For some reason, it seems like the smaller chance there is for things to go my way, the more likely it is that it won't. And, as I said before... am I really that severe?

Until now, I had always felt very sure that I would eventually get pregnant with only a little bit of help, and carry a healthy baby. Now I'm thinking, What if I am one of the small percent of women who just can't have children. No explanation, it just isn't going to happen. My diagnosis post surgery was "unexplained infertility". Nice huh? They don't even know why I can't get pregnant or carry. Yes, I had a lot of unusual endometriosis that cause a world of trouble in my colon and rectum area, but my reproductive organs were all clean, not one spot. So, they just are unsure as to what the heck my body is doing. I know that things always happen for a reason, and always work out they way they were meant to in the end, but it's so hard to remember that when you want something so badly that you would rather not live than not have it.

So, needless to say, I'm scared to death. My appointment is tomorrow and I have no idea what to expect. I don't know what they will want me to try next, or if I'll even be able to go ahead with it. I struggle with so much of this in my heart and it's hard to know what to do. My heart wants something so badly, but something in my head is telling me that I needed to think about when enough is enough. I just am not there yet. I'm sure that soon it will become a financial issue and I won't really have to make a decision anyway... it will be made for me.